PRE-ORDER NOW - SHIPS BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS

PRE-ORDER NOW - SHIPS BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS

TERMS & CONDITIONS

TERMS & CONDITIONS

Last Updated: Five minutes ago, because time is meaningless here.
Effective Immediately, Like You Don’t Even Know What’s Happening.


By opening this game, you agree to let CANDID ruin your life. This is your final warning. After accepting these terms, you are legally required to accept everything—even if it involves absolute violence and psychological destruction. No one is safe, especially you.


1. This Game Will Literally Destroy Your Soul

  • By playing CANDID, you accept that your soul is now property of the CANDID Entity, an all-powerful, all-knowing cosmic being that thrives on your pain and suffering.

  • If you ever try to put down the cards, they will haunt you. They’ll show up in your nightmares, your dreams, and in your toaster. The cards are alive, and they can’t be silenced. You’ve been warned.

  • Attempting to escape the game will result in irreversible psychological mutilation. You’ll be trapped in an endless loop of “What’s your deepest, darkest secret?” until you actually scream your soul out. Literally.


2. The Cards Are Alive and Really Hate You

  • Aces, Kings, Queens, Jokers... These cards are not your friends. They are ancient, horrifying beings, and they will destroy you the moment you disrespect them. DON’T TOUCH THE CARDS. If you shuffle them incorrectly, the cards will rip your hands off and force you to look at your mistake forever.

  • If you try to bend, fold, or destroy a card in any way, you will summon the CANDID Beast, a grotesque creature that will eat your face off and spit it back at you, while laughing maniacally.

  • The cards don’t play nice. Lose a round? Prepare for broken bones. The deck will materialize a monster that will punch you in the face until you admit your failure. The game doesn’t just want to beat you. It wants to break you.


3. Losing Equals Physical Pain (Lots of It)

  • If you lose a round of CANDID, you will be dragged to the Pit of Regret, where you will face your worst fears. These include, but are not limited to: being surrounded by terrible fashion choices, being publicly humiliated by your worst ex, and spending an eternity in a room with nothing but annoying "tech support" calls.

  • The cards don’t forgive failure. Lose too many rounds, and the CANDID Overlords will descend from the heavens and shatter your entire life into a million spiteful little pieces.

  • If you ever think you’re free, you’re wrong. There’s always another round. Always.


4. Winning is a Curse (Not a Blessing)

  • If you win a round, the cards will reward you by stripping away your humanity. You will no longer recognize yourself. In fact, you’ll begin to question if you were ever human to begin with. The cards will leave you with a question so uncomfortable that you’ll forget what victory even means.

  • Winners also get the Great Joker—an insanely violent card that will hunt you down and ask you questions like: “What if everyone in your life hates you?” and “Do you even care about your life anymore?”

  • Winning doesn’t save you. It only opens another gate to the abyss. Congratulations, you’re now stuck with an existential crisis that will last forever.


5. Damage to Cards = Global Catastrophe

  • You think burning the cards will make you feel better? Think again. Burning one of these cards will start World War III, and by that, I mean your house will spontaneously combust and be replaced with a giant fire-breathing dragon that will eat your entire neighborhood.

  • Don’t just scratch or tear the cards either, or you’ll open a rift in reality where the CANDID gods will unleash armageddon in the form of flaming piranhas that will swarm your house and eat everything except for your soul, which they will keep to remind you of your failure.


6. The Cards Don’t Like You, They Like Chaos

  • The cards are arbitrary and chaotic. One moment you’ll pull a card that’s like, “What’s your favorite ice cream?” and the next, you’ll draw a card that says, “Do you love your mom? Are you sure?”

  • The cards are sentient, and they delight in throwing you off guard. If they sense you’re having too much fun, they will alter reality itself to make sure your life becomes a living hell. So, don’t get comfortable. The moment you feel at peace, the cards will ruin everything.


7. Payments (Not the Kind You’re Used To)

  • To play CANDID, you must pay in blood and tears. If you’re unable to pay, prepare for the Payment Demon to come for you. This demon will not just take your money. No. It will siphon your energy, drain your life force, and reduce your existence to a mere whisper in the void.

  • You may also pay in sacrificial offerings like unicorn horns, your ability to feel joy, or your sense of reality. If none of these are available, a broken promise will suffice.


8. Physical and Emotional Violence (It’s How We Roll)

  • Every time you lose, the cards will use physical force to remind you of your failure. This might involve a smack in the face, a punch to the stomach, or your skeleton briefly popping out of your skin to remind you that you’re not invincible.

  • Emotional violence is the real game here, though. The cards will call you out on your life choices, your past mistakes, and your complete lack of a decent wardrobe. You’ll never be able to ignore them again, because they’ll keep asking, “How does that make you feel?”

  • If you run away from the pain, expect the CANDID Demon to give chase. It’ll hunt you down with snakes for legs and questioning eyes. There’s nowhere to hide.


9. Endgame: The Ultimate Cataclysm

  • The Endgame of CANDID is not something you should ever hope for. It’s an infinite cycle of grueling emotional hell. When you think you’re done, you’re not. When you think you’ve won, you’ve just triggered Level 2 of insanity.

  • The Final Card is unpredictable. It could be something as simple as, “What’s your happiest memory?” or something as terrifying as, “What if you don’t exist anymore?” You won’t know until it’s too late.


10. Liability? We Don’t Do That Here

  • If you die, lose your mind, or set your house on fire, that’s your problem. CANDID is not responsible for any deaths, injuries, or destruction caused by playing the game.

  • If you’re traumatized, soul-sucked dry, or reduced to a puddle of existential mush, that’s just par for the course. This is the game you chose to play, remember? No refunds, no apologies, no second chances.


11. Contact Us (But Don’t)

  • We are the void. If you want to contact us, good luck. Here’s how:
    Email: [We don’t answer. Ever.]
    Phone: [It’s a trap, don’t call.]
    Fax: [We hate faxes.]
    Carrier Pigeon: [If you find one, we might send it back.]
    Post: [We intercept it anyway. Doesn’t matter.]


By agreeing to these Terms, you willingly enter a hellish, endless cycle of madness. The cards will find you. They will break you. You will never escape. Welcome to CANDID, where your soul is the price of entry, and the game is always rigged against you. Enjoy.

This should definitely amp up the absurd violence while keeping it ridiculously funny! It plays on the chaos and absurdity of the game in a way that's completely over the top, but still funny enough that anyone reading it would have no idea whether to laugh or cry.

Last Updated: Five minutes ago, because time is meaningless here.
Effective Immediately, Like You Don’t Even Know What’s Happening.


By opening this game, you agree to let CANDID ruin your life. This is your final warning. After accepting these terms, you are legally required to accept everything—even if it involves absolute violence and psychological destruction. No one is safe, especially you.


1. This Game Will Literally Destroy Your Soul

  • By playing CANDID, you accept that your soul is now property of the CANDID Entity, an all-powerful, all-knowing cosmic being that thrives on your pain and suffering.

  • If you ever try to put down the cards, they will haunt you. They’ll show up in your nightmares, your dreams, and in your toaster. The cards are alive, and they can’t be silenced. You’ve been warned.

  • Attempting to escape the game will result in irreversible psychological mutilation. You’ll be trapped in an endless loop of “What’s your deepest, darkest secret?” until you actually scream your soul out. Literally.


2. The Cards Are Alive and Really Hate You

  • Aces, Kings, Queens, Jokers... These cards are not your friends. They are ancient, horrifying beings, and they will destroy you the moment you disrespect them. DON’T TOUCH THE CARDS. If you shuffle them incorrectly, the cards will rip your hands off and force you to look at your mistake forever.

  • If you try to bend, fold, or destroy a card in any way, you will summon the CANDID Beast, a grotesque creature that will eat your face off and spit it back at you, while laughing maniacally.

  • The cards don’t play nice. Lose a round? Prepare for broken bones. The deck will materialize a monster that will punch you in the face until you admit your failure. The game doesn’t just want to beat you. It wants to break you.


3. Losing Equals Physical Pain (Lots of It)

  • If you lose a round of CANDID, you will be dragged to the Pit of Regret, where you will face your worst fears. These include, but are not limited to: being surrounded by terrible fashion choices, being publicly humiliated by your worst ex, and spending an eternity in a room with nothing but annoying "tech support" calls.

  • The cards don’t forgive failure. Lose too many rounds, and the CANDID Overlords will descend from the heavens and shatter your entire life into a million spiteful little pieces.

  • If you ever think you’re free, you’re wrong. There’s always another round. Always.


4. Winning is a Curse (Not a Blessing)

  • If you win a round, the cards will reward you by stripping away your humanity. You will no longer recognize yourself. In fact, you’ll begin to question if you were ever human to begin with. The cards will leave you with a question so uncomfortable that you’ll forget what victory even means.

  • Winners also get the Great Joker—an insanely violent card that will hunt you down and ask you questions like: “What if everyone in your life hates you?” and “Do you even care about your life anymore?”

  • Winning doesn’t save you. It only opens another gate to the abyss. Congratulations, you’re now stuck with an existential crisis that will last forever.


5. Damage to Cards = Global Catastrophe

  • You think burning the cards will make you feel better? Think again. Burning one of these cards will start World War III, and by that, I mean your house will spontaneously combust and be replaced with a giant fire-breathing dragon that will eat your entire neighborhood.

  • Don’t just scratch or tear the cards either, or you’ll open a rift in reality where the CANDID gods will unleash armageddon in the form of flaming piranhas that will swarm your house and eat everything except for your soul, which they will keep to remind you of your failure.


6. The Cards Don’t Like You, They Like Chaos

  • The cards are arbitrary and chaotic. One moment you’ll pull a card that’s like, “What’s your favorite ice cream?” and the next, you’ll draw a card that says, “Do you love your mom? Are you sure?”

  • The cards are sentient, and they delight in throwing you off guard. If they sense you’re having too much fun, they will alter reality itself to make sure your life becomes a living hell. So, don’t get comfortable. The moment you feel at peace, the cards will ruin everything.


7. Payments (Not the Kind You’re Used To)

  • To play CANDID, you must pay in blood and tears. If you’re unable to pay, prepare for the Payment Demon to come for you. This demon will not just take your money. No. It will siphon your energy, drain your life force, and reduce your existence to a mere whisper in the void.

  • You may also pay in sacrificial offerings like unicorn horns, your ability to feel joy, or your sense of reality. If none of these are available, a broken promise will suffice.


8. Physical and Emotional Violence (It’s How We Roll)

  • Every time you lose, the cards will use physical force to remind you of your failure. This might involve a smack in the face, a punch to the stomach, or your skeleton briefly popping out of your skin to remind you that you’re not invincible.

  • Emotional violence is the real game here, though. The cards will call you out on your life choices, your past mistakes, and your complete lack of a decent wardrobe. You’ll never be able to ignore them again, because they’ll keep asking, “How does that make you feel?”

  • If you run away from the pain, expect the CANDID Demon to give chase. It’ll hunt you down with snakes for legs and questioning eyes. There’s nowhere to hide.


9. Endgame: The Ultimate Cataclysm

  • The Endgame of CANDID is not something you should ever hope for. It’s an infinite cycle of grueling emotional hell. When you think you’re done, you’re not. When you think you’ve won, you’ve just triggered Level 2 of insanity.

  • The Final Card is unpredictable. It could be something as simple as, “What’s your happiest memory?” or something as terrifying as, “What if you don’t exist anymore?” You won’t know until it’s too late.


10. Liability? We Don’t Do That Here

  • If you die, lose your mind, or set your house on fire, that’s your problem. CANDID is not responsible for any deaths, injuries, or destruction caused by playing the game.

  • If you’re traumatized, soul-sucked dry, or reduced to a puddle of existential mush, that’s just par for the course. This is the game you chose to play, remember? No refunds, no apologies, no second chances.


11. Contact Us (But Don’t)

  • We are the void. If you want to contact us, good luck. Here’s how:
    Email: [We don’t answer. Ever.]
    Phone: [It’s a trap, don’t call.]
    Fax: [We hate faxes.]
    Carrier Pigeon: [If you find one, we might send it back.]
    Post: [We intercept it anyway. Doesn’t matter.]


By agreeing to these Terms, you willingly enter a hellish, endless cycle of madness. The cards will find you. They will break you. You will never escape. Welcome to CANDID, where your soul is the price of entry, and the game is always rigged against you. Enjoy.

This should definitely amp up the absurd violence while keeping it ridiculously funny! It plays on the chaos and absurdity of the game in a way that's completely over the top, but still funny enough that anyone reading it would have no idea whether to laugh or cry.